Sunday, January 3, 2010

They say it gets easier????
















So with the holidays over, I can try to say, "It's time to relax", but that would be a lie. Now begins the month long Supercross weekends! It's a different kind of busy than the holidays. This is something that Travis and Josh worked hard for. Something that we all have sacrificed for Joshua to have. It will surely be emotional seeing that Travis won't be physically there. I know that will give Josh all the more reason to push himself. Prayers of support and safety for Josh and sanity for me are appreciated!

Here is the website that shows the schedule Josh will be doing most of:
http://www.supercross.com/ama-supercross-schedule

Getting through the holidays wasn't as depressing as I thought it might be. Not that it wasn't sad at all, but when you are constantly surrounded by those who love and care about you, it's hard to be sad! Now that things are quieting down at home a bit, I do find myself wondering what people meant or thought they knew when they said "It gets easier." Tears sure come easier lately. Maybe it is the actual reality of Travis not coming home that is hitting me. I haven't slept with my bed empty except three nights since his leaving. My girls are constantly there, so that helps a little bit. Doesn't mean I don't cry myself to sleep. Pictures were easier to look at in the weeks before. I felt closer to him when I laid in bed holding the big teddybear (I always called him my big teddy bear. You can't say that he doesn't look like a big teddy bear!) that I'd spray his cologne on. Now it just makes me miss him that much more!

I have decided that if I could have any wish for myself right now, I'd wish to have one night full of dreams that include being with Travis, then to wake in the morning and remember every one of those dreams. I have remembered my dreams once in 11 weeks. I lay in bed some nights and pray to have those dreams and pray to remember them. At least in my dreams I can hear his voice, touch him . . .

When a family loses a loved one, there are a multitude of emotions by a multitude of people. I have lost my husband, my children have each lost their father. They don't know the depth of my sadness losing a spouse as I don't know the depth of their losing a father. Not to mention, the different relationships that each of my children had with their father.
When I meet up with people who know Travis, and I see their sadness in having him gone, I feel so sad for them.
The photo above is the headstone that the kids and I have agreed on. The horse and dirt bike rider will be just a bit smaller, but otherwise this is what it will look like. Hopefully it will be placed soon! The holidays have delayed things a bit. I was originally going to get one headstone for both of us, but thinking and different suggestions led me to getting Travis' headstone alone. It can always be removed and replaced as a combined headstone later if wanted.








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