New Reality

Thoughts at Christmas 2010

2010-12-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

*Photo: back- Cole, Joshua, Chuck (Travis' brother), Kyleigh
front- Alyssa (Chuck's daughter), Dawn, Abigail

There are so many things that I have experienced and learned over the past year of my life! Many things are very personal. Others, I feel that I need to share to help others! People say, "The Lord doesn't put anything in our lives that He doesn't know we can handle." When Travis passed away, I slightly questioned this saying. Now as I look back, I say it's so true! I know the person that I was before Travis passed, and I know the person that I am today. I thought that I was kind of a strong person then. I knew what I wanted in life. I knew what was right and wrong and how to live my life for the Lord. Since Travis' passing, I have SEEN and experienced the blessings on such a grand scale for living my life for Christ and in faith that He would guide me! He has truly taken care! Sure, it hasn't been easy, and I have had to work and do things I hadn't before, but it's all growth and learning! Strengthening personally, intelectually and spiritually. I truly have a testimony of faith, prayer, fasting, reading my scriptures, and plain following His teachings!

I know that the Lord knows and loves each one of us personally. He knows what we need in our lives better than WE do, because only He knows His plan for us! I try to thank him as I go through each day. As I see blessings in my life, I thank Him! I am thankful for those whom He has put in my life. Those who help strengthen me and love me and are such examples themselves! My children are 4 of those who strengthen me, love me and are examples! I know I am their mother, and so am slightly biased, but I have amazing children! I am so glad and proud when I get to tell people that I am their mother! I believe that only as a parent can you truly and honestly learn what real, unconditional love is.

Merry Christmas!

Sick???!

2010-12-25T06:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas morning, and I am awake in bed! How come it's the parent up before the kids???! I'm not about to go around waking each of them up right now! I will enjoy some down time first. I've not really gotten a lot of that down time lately. It is a good thing. I've been greatly picking up houses to clean, which has kept me pretty busy between that and my schoolwork! With Christmas coming, the house cleaning has been a blessing. I have decided that I will go in and make it official for the new year! I cleaned houses about 17 years ago, and I had an idea for a name then. I think I will use it: "From Dust til Dawn". My own (well . . . my brother, David, came up with it, really!) little twist on "From Dawn til dusk"!

It hasn't really been that long since I last updated my blog, but I have had a bit of personal growth and strengthening recently. As I posted in October, Travis was not a regular at doctor visits and regular check ups. He wasn't healthy, and we knew it, yet he refused to go to the doctor. If he had gone, he would have found out how dangerously unhealthy his heart was and that he was Diabetic. I've decided that is WHY he refused to go. I feel that he knew all that, yet was too stubborn to do anything about it. So . . . I've decided that every October (Travis' passing month) I will go in and have my yearly check up. Mind you: I hadn't been in for a check up myself since Abby was born! I mean . . I am in shape and at a good weight . . I know I don't have heart issues or anything like that. I had made a couple appts before to go in, yet something would come up and I'd cancel the appt. This past October, I told my self "no excuses!" So I went in. About a week later, as I was cleaning a vacant apartment, I got a call from the doctor's office. They said that my papsmear results had come back "abnormal" and the doctor wanted me in to have what was called a Colposcopy. The doc explained that each papsmear is rated by number. 0 through 5. The number 0 means a normal pap. 1 means slightly abnormal, but not a lot to worry about. 2 means abnormal and they often have a second papsmear done or the Colposcopy to get a better look at things. Each number obviously gets worse with 5 being cancer. The doc said mine was a 2 and they saw lesions on my cervix. The Colposcopy (http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/cevicalconditions/a/colposcopy.htm) would take a better look at that. I wasn't really scared, but shocked. Should I have been? No! It'd been about 10 years since I was in for a physical! Sure my heart was healthy and I was in good shape, but that doesn't mean there isn't something growing in side of me like a virus! The doc also explained to me that when I was younger, I was obviously exposed (as MANY people are) to the HP Virus (http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm) which can go basically dormant or "inactive" in a person for years. Stress is one thing that can cause it to "wake up" and become active in a person. I have kinda been under a little bit of stress this past year! So . . . the end of October, I went in for the Colposcopy procedure. I didn't tell the kids, because, as the doc explained to me, "I see a #2 papsmear daily. 70-90% of women end up with their own immune system fighting it off on its own, so it's nothing out of the ordinary, really. It's just not a really comfortable procedure either. You'll be sore for a few days afterwords."
3 weeks later, I went in for my Colposcopy. Yah, I was sore for a few days after. After they scrape the abnormal cells, to keep one from bleeding, the doctor cauterizes the area. The areas that were cauterized were a bit sore. The procedure was done on a Tuesday and the doctor told me that I would hear the results on Friday. She said that she was able to see the lesions on my cervix and she took a few samples of abnormal cells from them. One lesion, she said that she saw was thicker than the others, and she would rate that one from what SHE SAW at a 3 on the scale! I was so glad that she said she'd get my results Friday! Especially when she made it sound like it wasn't going to be one of those "Your body's own immune system has fought off the virus" results.
Wednesday, the night of Youth activities at church, I decided that I'd like to have a blessing. Two wonderful men from church offered. I don't remember every word of the blessing, but I know that he talked about my body healing itself and he also blessed me in mine and my children's lives. I was thankful. I also decided, after talking to a dear friend, that I needed to tell the kids. I was afraid if I keep putting it off after each procedure then the oldest of the kids would surely be upset at me for keeping them in the dark. As much as I didn't want to worry them, I knew they'd want to know. I just wanted to know exactly what was going on so when I did tell them, it would be accurate.
Friday came. I had an apartment to clean and by 2:00, I hadn't heard from the doc yet. I called the office and left a message with the nurse that I was patiently awaiting a call with the results from my procedure. The nurse called me back at 4 and said the results had just recently been received at the office yet the doc was busy with patients. She said she would grab the doc in between patients for me. Not long after that, the nurse called me back. She said that Doc had looked quickly at the pathology report and decided that she wants me to go in and see an OBGYN to get a better look at things. Doc wasn't able to see in the canal well but an OB would be able to, and specializes in this area. Okay. At this point, I'm starting to worry. I've gone from a yearly papsmear to a procedure due to abnormal results and I am NOW being told that I need to make another step! The doc already told me she thought she saw a lesion that she would have rated a 3 from her knowledge! Here I was always upset at Travis for not having gone into the doc for his check ups and denial that he needed to take serious steps for his health, yet I've not been so innocent myself! Sure I didn't have any signs of sickness like Travis did, but that doesn't mean a thing!
After hearing from the nurse, the words the doc said, I really had a few questions I wanted to ask her! Problem was . . . she was on call and was overloaded with patients also. I begged the nurse to make sure the doc called me before she went home. I had to be patient, yet that wasn't easy. What exactly were the results on the pathology report? What was the OB going to want to do next? Do I have the beginnings of cancer in my cervix?? Why did I wait so long to have a physical???! Am I sick? How do I tell my children? DO I tell them yet? Haven't they been through enough losing their father???? The guilt!
I never heard back from anyone the rest of that day. I WAS gonna have to wait all weekend!

A widower friend that I had met this past October called me. He said, "Would it be okay with you if I called/emailed our other widow/widower friends and requested that they fast for you this weekend?" I thought about it and decided I didn't mind. I actually really appreciated it. I knew that others from church that I had talked to would be praying for me also. How incredible prayer is! I have learned that this past year even deeper than I already had known. Not to mention, it reminds you of how much others really do care about you!

Monday morning . . . nothing. I called the office and was told that doc has Mondays off! Seriously?? I'd like to know what is going on with me. I have questions! I asked the nurse, is there no way the other doc I regularly see can look at the pathology report and update me? How about the Nurse Practitioner? I was told that yes, The practitioner can do that no problem. She knows how to read Colposcopy results! So she called me. I asked her, what she read. She said that it said I had a few lesions yet the doc couldn't see the cervical canal to see if there were more or not. Since it was obvious that I had some lesions, and it had been 10 years since my last papsmear, she wanted my canal to get a good look. From what I read, that wasn't so great either. I had looked online and decided that the OB would probably want me to have a LEEP procedure done next. http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/surgery/a/leepprocedure.htm . That didn't sound fun! MORE uncomfortable than the Colposcopy! I told the nurse what I had read and told her, "I just want to know what's going on. I don't want anyone beating around the bush." Then she said, "Yes. Doctor is sure the OB will have you get a LEEP done next." I asked if she could still have the doc call me when she gets in Tues morn and answer questions that I had.

Okay. So the doc said she wanted me to go see a specific OB. Tuesday morning, I decided that I was just going to call and make that appt. Josh was going to be leaving for California Supercross the beginning of January for two months. If I am sick, he won't go! What if I'm NOT sick? He needs to go, yet again, he'd be so mad at me to find out later. Not to mention . . Cole had plans to go to Alaska for 3 months! Again, what if I'm sick; HE won't go! Sigh . . . . Ugh! The sooner I call the OB, the sooner I can get in and get the LEEP results back! So I opened the phone book and looked up Dr. Otto, whom my doctor referred me to. It wasn't quite 8:30 AM yet, so I put the phone number in my phone and was going to wait the next 5 minutes or so til it was 8:30 whenI was sure the office would be opened for them to answer the phone. As soon as I walked away from the phone book, my phone rang. It was my doctor finally!!!! I said hello and she said, "I just wanted to call you. I looked at your pathology report and was a little bit confused. It didn't totally seem to make sense. I called the lab and asked the pathologist to review your results. He came back to inform me that the gentleman who wrote your results wrote them kind of backwards. All I need is for you to come back in 6 months for a follow up papsmear and we'll see if your body is able to heal itself as 70-90% of them do."
Really?! That's it?! Needless to say . . . I already had what I felt was a strong testimony of prayer and fasting before! I know that none of this was a coincidence. I know that the prayers, fasting, and my faith turned this all around!
One thing that I also learned through this was that situations like this in life can truly help others outside of it too! My sweet friend that requested the prayers and fasting for me through the widow/widowers group told me that since his wife had passed, he had been struggling with fasting. This situation of mine helped him so much! I am thankful that the Lord knows EACH and every one of us! He knows what we need in our lives. He knows this better than we know ourselves! As we keep the commandments and strive to live our lives for Him, He will take care of us! I know this and am thankful for how my situation can help others! I am truly, awesomely blessed!

2010-11-24T04:07:00.000-08:00

Fall/Winter weather is here! Thanksgiving isn't even until tomorrow and yet we've had our first winter storm of the year! Brrrrr! Yesterday morning, with the windchill factor, it was -2 degrees in Bellingham! It's supposed to warm up tomorrow to 40 then get cold again . . from what the weatherman says.

The past couple of months have been pretty busy. Cole is still working on dirtbikes with his friend, Colin. Colin has recently moved into the extra room up in the barn apartment. I'm sure he and Cole are enjoying each others' company. Even though Cole is quite independent, I still think they enjoy each others company. Cole is still planning on his trip to Alaska the first of the year for three months. I pray that he'll be safe, enjoy his experience and come home as healthy as he leaves! I have been blessed to have my boys home this past year. Cole has been there when I need help with something or need something done. Not that I can't do things for myself, but sometimes you need an extra set of hands.
I recently bought myself a truck. It's a 1998 Dodge Ram 1500 Sport. I bought it from someone we know, so that helps. Cole has his dad's truck and Josh has a van that we could use if/when I needed a truck, but with Ky wanting to do more horse riding and shows, and since she has her license, she should be able to start driving herself to ride. I don't think Cole wants Ky driving his truck around like that. Plus . . as much as I want Cole to feel needed, I don't want to NEED him. I want him to know that he has his life, and is free to live it without feeling any pressure of "taking care" of his mother. Only thing I don't like about the truck with this economy is the fuel! Ugh! Since Ky is driving now too, I'm always handing out money for fuel!

Joshua has been working at Costco. I am very proud of him! He got hired and was told that he'd be a seasonal employee. After Dec, he'd get laid off for a couple of months, then they'd decide who is getting hired back. Josh has been such a hard worker; grabbing any extra hours he could at all. He found out that if he had his food handler's permit, he'd get more hours in the deli part of the store, so a couple of days later, he showed up to work with his card! He now has a set shift. He goes in at 5AM. Supercross starts in January, so his being laid off at that time was a great thing to hear! Now that he's been working so hard and showing himself, I'm afraid they won't want to lay him off at all!!! Hopefully because of his hard work he'll have no problem getting his job back when he gets back from CA for (SX) Supercross. Just as Cole is leaving home in January for Alaska, I hope that Josh stays safe and unharmed as he goes to California for SX and comes home healthy! I have purchased my ticket to fly down for Ananheim 1, which is the first of the series. I can't afford to be to all of them, but am thankful I have plans to go down for the first one. I am so thankful for all of the support, love and sponsorship that Josh has received to help with his racing this winter! I pray that he works hard and puts forth his effort to show his appreciation for their dedication to him! It's getting harder to get help with MX due to the economy. I pray that he races well and safe!
I'm very proud of the growth that my boys have made this past year. They haven't had much choice, but have done well with the situation. I'm very proud to call them my sons! I pray that the Lord will continue to help them grow and prosper in life!

Kyleigh has gone back to public school! It was a big decision. She was starting to get what I would call "restless" at home. I have been doing a lot of housecleaning and running errands, so she was left home alone a lot through the days. . . and not always doing her schoolwork like she should have been. Cole took Ky to Eastern Washington University to visit Jolynn (Cole and Jo have been together for about 5 yrs now, on and off.) for a weekend. He thought it would be a good idea for Ky to see College life to help her get excited for her future. I thought that was great too! And it was also good for the two of them to have that time together. Before they went,Ky had once mentioned to me going back to school. I didn't want her bouncing back and forth, and knew she was behind on her credits. I was afraid she'd lose hope once she realized how far behind she was. After going to see Jolynn, Cole even mentioned putting Ky back in school. So . . . we went and sat down with the school counselor. I told her my plans for Ky, which was running start college credits and helping her prepare for college . . because I knew she was behind on her high school credits. Ky then told the counselor her own goals, which included walking down the aisle with her class next year. After looking through her credits and all, we could see that she was surely behind a bit. She will be able to walk down the aisle, just possibly not receive her diploma yet til she finishes her credits the next year. She got excited about that, and that made ME get excited for her! Two days later, she walked through the doors and began going back to public school! What is so exciting to me is that she has adapted well and is getting very good grades! Ky knows the hard work she has ahead of her, but her goal is in sight, and I know she is going to continue doing well! I'm very proud of her and excited FOR her also!
This past Fall, Kyleigh's horse, Flyer started to get a bit skinny. She didn't want to eat a lot. We knew she was getting older and also knew she had lived a fulfilling, long life for a horse. We put a horse blanket on her and tried feeding her things to bulk her up, to no avail. This past Sunday morning, Cole went outside and found Flyer laying on the ground, too weak to get up. Kyleigh came home from her friend, Annie's house, said good bye to Flyer. Soon after, she was euthanized. A very sad day for Kyleigh. Flyer was her first horse and such a great horse for her to learn gaming and 4H with! Even Abby rode her a few times, and was great!

Abby is doing better and better in school. When she started school, she was behind a little bit on her math, but that is slowly becoming her best subject in school! She is learning to be a little more organized and slow down just a bit. She is a very social girl, and has lots of good friends.

Abby was busy with Fall, outdoor soccer and now is playing indoor soccer on Tuesday evenings and also basketball just began. As long as her schoolwork stays up where is should be, I love that she is active in sports. We are trying to get her back into piano lessons also, and she is excited to start learning the violin we bought her a few months ago!

This past October 17th was the anniversary of Travis' passing. It is still so hard to comprehend that he is gone! It sometimes seems he will still walk through the door any second! Sometimes it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him or heard his voice. I can imagine it is the same for my children. People pass away and leave this world daily, but when it is someone that you love dearly, it is so different. It's un-comprehendable at times. I know that Travis' spirit is with us. I know that he is often with his children. They tell me that they do feel him at times. I am thankful for the love that we shared before his passing. I am thankful we were able to have that last hug and kiss before he left for hunting with Cole. I am also glad we didn't know that it was our last. I know that he felt my love for him. Not many people get to say that they have a nice last memory with their loved one, but I do. Again, I am so thankful!

I'm still trudging along with my online schooling through Kaplan online College. I am also doing some housecleaning to make money. It isn't easy looking for a parttime job (or even fulltime!) in this economy, but I keep applying, and know that the Lord will take are of the rest. My faith is definitely being tried, but I know that I can only do so much. As long as I put in MY effort, and ask, I know the Lord will take care of the rest on His timing.

I look forward to a nice, enjoyable holiday season. Last year, our living room was torn apart and we celebrated Christmas in the barn apartment. It was nice, but I look forward to Christmas in the house this year, with our new bigger space too! Thanksgiving will be spent with Chuck and Susan and kids. I know that the boys look forward to that. They love their Uncle Chuck! The three of them are on a Monday night bowling league together, and I'm sure it's their favorite night of the week! I love my "Brother"!

This past October 8th, I was able to attend an LDS widows/widowers conference in Utah for the weekend. I joined this group on Facebook and made a few friends on there. It was neat meeting some of them in person and getting to know them better! Some have become dear to me. It was so great being in a room full of people who I knew I could talk freely and openly with, and they would know how I felt and what I was experiencing. I learned so much from the speakers also! I learned more about things I basically already knew, but it became deeper for me in understanding. I came home with a grasp of where each of my children and I are in our individual healing. I pray that one day my children can look back and say that I tried to respect them and love them through their healing. I am thankful for the knowledge and learning I gained at the conference . . . and the fun that all of us widows/widowers had too! I look forward to attending the next conference in March!

For Christmas this year, I guess I'm buying myself a new hot water tank! The one that we have now is leaking and as we look at the year on the label, we can see that it was installed back in 1993! Hot water tanks should be replaced approximately every 5-6 years! I am shocked ours has lasted so long! I am thankful for the brothers (men) at church who are willing to take their Thanksgiving morning to come over and install the new tank!
A hot water tank isn't exactly a Christmas present, but what I mainly give myself is my health. I continue to run, even if it's on the treadmill downstairs in the house, yet I long to be outside again! After meeting a fellow widower from Seattle at the conference this past October, I was able to make a few friends with some LDS widows/widowers down in the Seattle area. We all got together and put Christmas decorations up at the house of a sister who lost her husband this past April. I look forward to spending more time with these wonderful friends in the future! One of the sisters, named Christine, also enjoys running, hiking, etc. I see us being great friends!

As I look back on this past year, I see the growth that each one of my children has made. They continue to amaze and teach me. I am thankful for their spirits. I pray that the Lord will bless them each in ways that only He may know each one of them needs. I completely put my trust and faith in Him.

Summer 2010

2010-10-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how fast time goes! Summer? Wow! I guess I ran through it all! Literally! After my 40th birthday Chuckanut Foot Race, I kept running as often as I could. I hear about a half marathon in Bellingham that was going to be Sept 26, 2010 and signed myself up! 13 miles! I knew I had some work to do. 13 miles is a lot more than 7! But I was up to challenge myself!

The end of June brought Kyleigh's 16th birthday! We had gone through Travis' and my anniversary a month after he passed, the holidays, Travis' birthday and Father's day, but this was our actual first milestone to experience without Travis here. Kyleigh was determined to earn her license ON her birthday! The week before, we went in and she passed the written test the first try! She was proud of herself! On her actual birth DAY, we went in for her drive test, and she passed that the first time too! So on her 16th birthday, Kyleigh was able to say she earned her license! I tried to think of some silly, sorta smart - alek thing Travis would have said to her in congratulations, but I couldn't think of one! Maybe "Good job, my little peach!" in a goofy voice. He called the girls his little peach a lot.

Cole came home from Alaska after being gone for 5 weeks. It was good to see that furry guy! He didn't shave the whole time he was gone. What an experience for him! His plans are to return this winter for three months. Jan - March and go out into the Bering Strait on a 400 foot boat. And I thought I missed him for 5 weeks!!!! Once again, I know he will have a great experience, and the Lord will bring him safely home.

August brought he Northwest Washington Fair that Kyleigh annually attends with a horse. The year before, Travis had gotten her a new horse named Holli. This year, we worked hard and Ky had lessons with Holli to prepare for Fair. They did great! I know Kyleigh was proud!

Before my Sept 26th half marathon run, I was thinking I need another middle of the length run to prepare me for my half. I signed up for a 15k (9 miles) on Sept 11th in Bellingham. Running along the boardwalk with about half a mile left, I asked the guy I was about to pass (hee hee!) what time he had, and he said, "One twenty". I said to myself . . . "I want to finish in One twenty four or less!" I picked up my speed and hauled up the hill to the finish line where Cole, Jolynn, Ky, Abigail and cousin, Aly were waiting. The clock ticked onto 1:23 as I crossed! It was great! I ran that and averaged 9 miles per minute. If I remember right, I finished 13th out of 42 women my age (40-44).

When my half marathon came up, I was ready! Travis' brother, Chuck, had run it the year before, and finished in 2 hours 5 minutes. My goal was to beat that time! 13 miles is a long way to run! It was a beautiful morning, and just like the 15k, the run went along the waterfront of old Bellingham. Through the entire run, I probably walked a total of 2 minutes. Usually at water stops so I could drink while actually getting the water in my mouth! That last mile was a killer! You know you are almost done, yet you are beat and are just looking forward to that finish line! Every time I passed someone or they passed me throughout the run, I looked to see what their age may be. The races are divided into age groups for male and female. I was in the 40-44 age group. I didn't want anyone passing me that looked like they would be my age! The finish line came, and I finished in Two hours 7 minutes! Ugh! Chuck beat me by two minutes! About how many total minutes I walked the run!!!! I was still proud of myself! In fact, I finished 32nd out of 104 women my age! :) I couldn't complain about that! And . . it felt wonderful to be in such great shape! I know that running has been a good thing for me this past year, and I plan to continue! I am blessed!

My 40th birthday!!

2010-07-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

****COLE WAS IN ALASKA WHEN THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN, SO i CALL IT THE JACKSON5 MINUS ONE!
I have not been doing so great at keeping my blog updated! I apologize to those of you who wonder how we are doing! Thank you so much for all of your care and love!

I was just thinking the other day of all that has crossed our lives since Travis has been gone. Quite a bit! Let's see . . he passed on Oct 17th . . . The end of Oct, we celebrated Halloween with Travis' mother being here. Sadly for the circumstances, we loved being able to be with her as we've only seen her 3 times in the past 20 years! Abby and her really bonded! Nov was our anniversary (the kids and I went out for Mexican and glow in the dark golf) and Thanksgiving (spent at the Lagerwey's home - our business partner's family), Dec was Christmas (spent up in the apartment due to living room construction in preparation for a cold winter we never had!), Jan took Joshua to his first Supercross .. a dream he'd had! A few months of Supercross helped Josh with a goal he'd had, and that his father put so much into helping him reach! Feb was Valentine's Day (M and M Floral was so sweet and sent me a bouquet of flowers just because they knew that Travis would have gone to them and ordered some for me! Thank you again, M and M!!), May was Travis' birthday (we celebrated once again with mexican. Travis enjoyed going out for mexican.), May also brought Mother's Day, which wasn't as hard to go through without Travis, cause like he always reminded me, "You aren't my mother." I just had a day filled, like any other mother, with love and admiration for the amazing children that Travis helped me to have and raise as far as he did! June was Father's Day (the girls and I put a beautiful bouquet on his grave and I had a bunch of our family VHS tapes made into DVDs and we came home to watch some after dinner. It was harder to watch them than I had thought it would be, but also nice. My kids have copies of the DVDs. It was MY Father's Day gift to them.), June also took Cole to Alaska for 6 weeks of net fishing. I have been SO blessed to have the home that we do! My boys live out in the apartment that was built in our barn, so it is nice that they can have their own space and yet still be home close to me! Even if they are busy with their own lives all day, I know once I mention food, they'll come running! Mealtime is looked forward to!
Cole being in Alaska has made me buck up a bit more than I already had. I learned how to drive and use the lawn mower as well as the tractor! Next will be the weed eater! Hey! Someone's gotta do it! One of my dear friends has dibbed me "Stud chick"! I love it! Kyleigh doesn't like that word, but I have grown rather fond of it! Makes me feel I can do anything! I do get a bit overwhelmed at times with how much lawn (the house and around the pond) there is to upkeep here. But we'll figure it out. Routine is major.
One of the main reasons I've been reviewing the past 9 months is because June 30 was Kyleigh's 16th birthday. I've thought about all the holidays and dates we have been through . . . which is really a lot in 9 months if you think about it . . . and Kyleigh's 16th birthday brought us our first family milestone to experience without Travis. She got her driver's license! First try for the written AND first try for the drive test too!!! I know her dad would be proud of her! He would be in as much awe as I am. They grow up SO FAST!
So this brings us to today. I'm sure there are dates I've missed since Oct. But these are the the things that stand out in my mind. As for this month . . . today is my 40th birthday! I'm a 40 year old widow. I have over half of my life left to live, and I am going to make the best of it! I started running this year and working out a lot. I've always tried to stay in shape, but after Travis passed, I didn't eat a lot and lost about 15 lbs. I started exercising hard again and running. I have enjoyed going to Lake Padden and running around the lake. I will celebrate my birthday by leaving the house here in about half an hour and doing the Chuckanut Foot Race in old Bellingham, WA! It's a 7 mile interurban trail through what is called Fairhaven . . . . my favorite place in Bellingham! I am proud of myself for being healthy and in shape. I have always wanted to do a marathon, and this is not only the perfect way to start . . but the perfect way to celebrate my healthy 40th birthday! Here's to a healthy and long future!

I was thinking last night . . . if I accomplish anything in my lifetime . . I want to know that when my children get older they look back and can say, "My mom did the best that she could with what the Lord gave her, and I'm proud of the example that she has been to me." I know that I am not perfect. I could list a few things I wish I'd done differently, but for the best of it . . . I feel good for where things are in life right now with what we've been given. I am thankful to the Lord for His hand and the refining that He has been doing in me! I know that he will carry us through!!
Thank you for reading!

And me!

2010-04-29T09:53:00.001-07:00

Big sigh . . . what is the update on me? Well . . like I said . . the trip to Mexico was wonderful! I wish I had made a list of all my worries and stresses before we left then made another list of the things that I felt were major when we got home! It's amazing the things I had forgotten about after being gone! The list would have been so much smaller! Everyone needs that at times in their lives. Maybe not a trip all the way to Mexico, but at least a day or two away from life's stresses. Things get put back into perspective.

So when we got home, I put Abby into school and looked for a job. The business was left in quite a bit of debt after Travis' passing, and the responsibility of that was laid on Curt's and my shoulders. I have no idea how Travis was doing it as long as he did! And even supporting the motocross! I'm thankful for all the hard work and dedication that he put into us! No wonder he had so much hypertension!
So with the economy being the way it is, I made a resume or two and handed them out looking for employment. Not much luck except . . . my neighbor friend who cleans houses for a living. When I went to her house one day to ask her if she could possibly tend to our horses and chickens while we were in Mexico, she mentioned how overwhelmed she was with cleaning houses. I told her I was looking for part time work, so when we got back from Mexico, I started cleaning houses with her! It hasn't been as busy as we'd like it to be, but it is something.
I have also started attending Kaplan University online. I am taking a course to learn Medical Billing. It is a 3-12 month course which I do at my own pace, and hopefully I can either find work in a medical office or even work from home when I am through. I'm excited about going back to school!
When Travis was here, I knew things I should be doing better in my life . . . reading my scriptures, personal prayer, more family prayers, Family Nights, etc. . . attending our temple more . . I just always had excuses. I've been working on this the past few months, and I sure have seen the blessings come! I know that when we put our life and choices in the Lord's hands, he takes care of us. We just need the faith that he will guide us in the right direction! I have always tried to see the blessings in my life, but they have been so numerous since putting myself in His hands! Sure things aren't perfect. I am still financially taking things one day at a time, but I know that the Lord is in control and as long as I follow his promptings, we'll be fine. "Noone said it was going to be easy. Only worth it." I have faith in this and I am thankful!
Not only am I thankful to my Heavenly Father, but I am also thankful for the love, support and prayers of people who care!

3 weeks ago, my dear friend since high school (although we're sure we were close friends before this life too!), Cathy, lost her sweet husband in an explosion that occurred at his work. He was working at the Tesoro refinery in Anacortes when the explosion killed 7 people. Darrin being one of the three that were gone instantly. How sad to see her go through this! I was thankful that I could be there for her and know of things she was going to experience. How terrible a thing for us to have in common, but so glad to know that she isn't alone! I feel bad that I can't be there more for her, as my life is different now with being a single parent and having so much responsibility on my shoulders. But she knows I am here for her any time. (The first photo above is of me and Cathy) I love you, C!

My boys

2010-04-29T09:11:00.001-07:00

Josh has had a lot on his mind with the cost of dirtbikes and racing. Fuel . . . he was able to get a job working for Sound Beverage. He goes to the stores and tears off the plastic holding the cases together then stocks the shelves with drinks. He starts work usually around 5 and is home for lunch. He is doing well with this and is learning about the sweat of earning a dollar and keeping track of a checkbook and paying bills. At one time, he talked about quitting the racing and just doing local. Maybe going to community college for some schooling. He wasn't happy about it, but the reality is that I can't afford and Josh didn't think he could do on his own. How Travis did it before is beyond me! I told him, "If you have a dream, Josh, you find a way to make it happen. You look at your options and work it out." So we sat and talked about the options and ideas and he is now planning on moving down to Southern California at the end of July. He has a wonderful roommate and support in our great friend, Ron! Josh is very excited and anxious. Plans to work hard all summer and save money for his move! I'm sad to think of him leaving. Everyone knows he's a momma's boy, but I'm also excited for him and know it'll be a good thing for his growth and learning. Plus . . it'll be a good excuse for us girls to go down to Cali more often!

Cole will be having his birthday on Mother's Day this year. It's hard to believe I have a 21 year old! I have been so blessed by Cole's maturity and responsible nature! And it's always fun when he goes out with us to do family things or comes in the house to play games!
Cole was going to work with Curt on J&L, but it wasn't busy enough to give Cole much income, so he started working with a friend of ours named Robert. Cole has been catching on quite well learning how to mud drywall! Not long ago, he was able to go to Ocean Shores for a week and do a big job. He has been doing a bit of motocross, but not a lot. I know that he looks forward to racing a bit more this summer. That is something that will always be a part of my boys! And I will always enjoy watching and being their biggest fan! Cole and his friend, Colin have been keeping pretty busy, also working on dirtbikes in our shop. I know that is another thing that Cole will always enjoy doing. I'm thankful for Jamie having taught Cole all that he did! He has truly been blessed in his life! Even with the losses, he has a lot in him from the men who helped make him who he is!
Cole has recently been offered an opportunity to go up to Alaska for a month to do fishing off the shore. As much as he loves fishing, I'm sure this will be a memorable experience for him! Not to mention, it's good money! It will be hard not having him around for a month, but I look forward to it for him!

April 2010 - update on my girls

2010-04-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that it's been 6 1/2 months. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we were standing in the rain out in the soccer field and I received that agonizing phone call, and other times it seems like forever ago. Either way . . . it happened.
I know it's been a while since I took the time to update my blog on us. I've been keeping pretty busy. As soon as we got back from Mexico, Abby started public school. She is in 3rd grade and seems to be adjusting well. She has a lot of friends due to having gone to preschool when she was younger and playing a lot of soccer with girls from the school. She was quite the excitement her first few days at the school! She has been doing very well also. She is an amazing reader, and almost always has a book in her hand! Even when we are watching a movie on the couch, she'll usually have a book with her just in case the movie gets not as exciting as her book! I'm happy that she enjoys reading so much! I always wanted to have a reader!
While I am talking about Abby, I guess I should just update on each of the kids. Abby was doing piano lessons for two years through the MP3, which is a homeschool extension of the public school that the government funds and volunteers help teach classes for homeschool kids. They end up with about 7 - 8 kids in each class, which is nice. Abby had been taking classes there as well as piano. When she started to school, she had to drop the piano lessons for now. We'll pick them back up this summer if we can. She does quite well! I love listening to her play! Although now that she's enjoying reading like she is, she doesn't play piano as much when she's bored. We need to work on that. I don't want her to forget. And when we went to watch the LDS Idaho Symphony play at church a few weeks ago, Abby said, "Would you get mad if I asked to stop playing the piano? I wanna learn the violin." I said to her, "You don't have to give up the piano to play the violin." So we found her an inexpensive kids size violin and she will start lessons with that soon. She is quite excited! Me too, I have to say! So Abby keeps pretty busy between school and reading . . she also is still active in soccer. It's good for her, and the sweet people at Meridian Soccer has sponsored Abby so that she is able to play without financial strains on my end! The community has been so great to us!

Kyleigh was doing online schooling but struggled to catch back up after Travis' passing and our trip to Mexico (not that she didn't have internet hook up at the hotel, but . . . she was on vacation!). So she finished the first semester online and now is schooling strictly at home with the books we've gotten for her to independently work at home. I think it will be great for her this second semester! And she can finish when she is done, even if it goes into summer. It's her own schedule. She still has her horses, Flyer and Holli, which she will be starting back up on lessons with Holli hopefully next week to get her ready to attempt qualifying for the fair this year. We are not sure about that working out since the lessons haven't been really affordable and time has not been great either. We'll get there. It's important to me for her to still have that, as it is good responsibility for her and keeps her active. Plus . . her dad bought her those horses.

Our trip to Mexico

2010-04-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

In November, I felt I wanted to take my kids and get away from here for a while. It had gotten monotonous going places and seeing people we knew that wanted to give hugs, say they were sorry about our loss, and ask how we were doing. It is always appreciated and feels good to be cared for, but I just wanted to be someplace where no one knew us and we could just relax and forget about things. So . . . after about a month of looking online, I got the five of us an all inclusive trip to Mexico for 6 days. Something we've never done before. Something who knows if we'll ever have the chance to do again as a family (just us 5) with Cole being 20 and Josh being 18. Thank goodness for life insurance. Even though I didn't have much, I knew it would be good for us. So March 11-16th, the kids and I hung out in Mexico. What a wonderful and needed experience for us! So nice to go away and leave all your worries and stresses behind! Just me and my kids. No one else! I had a smile on my face the whole time, watching my children interact with each other and have fun.

One day, we were offered a chance to get a discounted price on any kind of tour we'd like while in Mexico. Sure we had to do the tiring time share experience, but it was worth it (actually the tour of the hotels was neat, and they fed you a nice breakfast too!). So we ended up getting half off of any tour, in which we chose the zip line. This one was at the location where the movie Predator was filmed. It was a neat drive through Puerto Vallarta up to the tour and the zip line was fun! I was so proud of Abby that she did it! You were about 600-800 feet up in the air and the longest line was 1500 feet! I was so nervous but knew if Abby could do it, I could too!
The photo of us all together with our gear on is from that day. They put paint on our faces to make us look like "warriors". And they got a little carried away with Cole and put a dot of paint on his nose too!
So I'm thankful that the kids and I were able to experience Mexico together and away from reality at home. It helped me to see, when we got home, some things I was worried and stressed about and when I got home, only the things that were serious are what came back to me to deal with.

Supercross!

2010-02-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. Shocking for the motormouth that I am!

Been pretty busy with Josh's Supercross. Let me explain for those whom don't know.
When a dirtbike rider wants to earn their national license, they have to attend races in which they earn POINTS for their placings. Once the rider has accumulated 75 points in a 12 month period, they can apply for their license. Josh did that last winter. This enabled him to participate in national races in the professional class. If you do well enough in those races, the right people see you and want to sponsor.
It's the same for Supercross, except last year, when Josh had finished earning his points, it was just barely too late for him to get his Supercross license in time for the season, so he waited til this year.
We have sacrificed a lot over the years for Cole and Joshua to have this motocross experience. The girls have sacrificed having their father home most weekends. I have sacrificed having his help with the girls and their activities and help around home on the weekends. Money was sacrificed also. Those of you in motocross know that it isn't a cheap sport. Not often did our family go away together when it wasn't to a motocross race. Not that we didn't have a good time as a family when we did those races! Our kids weren't in the least bit neglected or anything like that due to motocross. We just had a different life.
Anyways, through all of this, of course, Cole and Josh's dreams were to be pro racers. That they accomplished! They did make a little bit of money at it. Up in Canada, you get paid for being in the Intermediate class, which is the class before Pro. One weekend, the two of them together earned $600. But that wasn't common. Especially since they mainly race down in the states.
This past summer, Cole decided that he wanted to enjoy riding and not stress on the racing situation. That in itself helped me to relax a bit! If he isn't pushing himself then he is less likely to get hurt.
Josh, though, still had that supercross dream and was determined to get himself to one.
The morning of October 17, 2009 changed our entire family's world. The one person who did everything for Cole and Josh's motocross left us. Their biggest and most loyal fan. Their backbone. What was I going to do? Well I knew one thing I wasNOT willing to do. That was to say, "Josh, I know you have dreamed of Supercross and getting to this point. Now that you are here and your dad is not here to financially support that the way he was, I can't afford it. You'll have to be done now." HOW could I say that?? But how could we continue for Josh through this Supercross? I just KNEW without once ever reconsidering . . . some of Travis' life insurance is going to have to be carefully used to help with this part of Josh's life. I HAVE to support this for Joshua . . . and for Travis. So we signed Josh up for 6 Supercross races:
January 9 - Angel Stadium - Anaheim CA
January 16 - Chase Field - Phoenix AZ
January 23 - Angel Stadium - Anaheim CA
February 6 - Qualcomm Stadium - San Diego CA
February 13 - Angel Stadium - Anaheim CA
AND April 24 - Quest Field - Seattle WA

As many of you have seen from my Facebook, when the girls and I went down for Josh's first Supercross, I took a picture that I had printed into a wallet size photo. It is a picture of Josh racing at Mission, BC and coming around the corner. As he is coming around the corner, you can see Travis on the right hand side bending towards the track and pointing to his head. This is how you tell the rider, "Think. Be smart." We took that photo and taped it to Josh's handlebar pad for him to see while he is out there. To remind him to think and to remind him that his dad is with him. You can see that in the photo above.
The first Supercross, Josh did amazingly! This is how it goes: The racers are set into groups. The first weekend in Anaheim, Josh was in group C. Everyone would get to walk the track in the morning, then each group would go out and have a free practice. About ten minutes on the track. Then each group would go out for a 20 minute moto where the transponders on their bikes kept track of their lap times. The fastest lap time of each rider determined who qualified for the "night show". In the 250 lites class that Josh was racing, the top 40 qualified for the night show. That first Supercross of Josh's, he missed qualifying by .3 seconds!!!! Everyone was so excited for him! His FIRST ever Supercross, and he just barely missed qualifying! That first taste of it for Josh was so amazing! I was so happy that the girls and I were able to go down and be there for him! This gave great hope to Josh's future races, as it was said that Anaheim 1 was usually the hardest of all Supercross races! What a confidence boost!
The next weekend, Supercross was in Phoenix, AZ. We were told that this is usually the easiest of the Supercross races. What we came to learn is NOT to listen to what people say about supposed easiest and hardest! Cause it isn't always that way. Josh ended up finishing 45th time. He also crashed pretty good in the woops section. I didn't realize how different Supercross tracks were than motocross tracks . . especially through the woops. I figured since Josh could go through the woops section at Washougal, Supercross wouldn't be too hard. But it is definitely different. Josh soon learned that the woops would be his weakness. In which it did end up being that next weekend back at Anaheim 2. He did great the whole track, but struggled a bit through the woops. Actually, a lot of guys went DOWN in the woops, and usually in the same spot too.
I was glad to be able to attend that race. We have a motorhome that someone was "renting" from us down in Southern California. He didn't have a job and couldn't make the payments anymore, so Cole, our friend Allan and I flew down there to get the motorhome and bring it home. It was nice to be able to coordinate that with Josh's race weekend.
The next weekend of Supercross, Jan 30th, Josh wasn't signed up to do San Francisco, because people said it'd probably be muddy and wet, so he chose to do San Diego instead. That weekend didn't go well at all. He finished top 50. Sadly, Josh was seeming to fade in his timings. Was it because the excitement and adrenaline of this new thing was wearing? The difference of motocross and supercross becoming more and more apparent? Since he crashed in the woops at Phoenix, was he becoming a bit nervous about that part?
That weekend during San Francisco Supercross, Josh went up to Piru and rode on the track. It is basically what he would call the "local" track where he usually stayed. While he was riding, a boy in front of him washed out and went down. Josh had nowhere to go but on top of him, so he crashed also. Xrays showed Josh separated his AC in his right shoulder. This would mean no Supercross in February. I had originally gotten myself tickets to go down and attend the races in Anaheim 3, just myself, so I changed my round trip tickets to a one way ticket down to CA and drove home with Josh.
Since being home, Josh went to our doctor who examined him. It came to the conclusion that he definitely separated his AC. What the xrays don't show is muscle and ligament/joints. So rather than jumping on getting an MRI, the doc said that it seemed Josh was in a bit more pain than he'd maybe have figured if he had just strained or slightly ripped his rotator cuff, but we're giving it a week. If Josh is still in more pain than he should be, then he'll have an MRI to make sure there wasn't a clear and total rip that would need to be sewn back. Hopefully it is the more minor just strain or tear, cause that will heal itself with time. Then Josh can get back on the band wagon of training and preparing for Seattle in April! If he does well there, he will attend the last supercross of the season for him in Utah the weekend after Seattle. When he called to cancel for Feb supercrosses, we changed one of them to the Utah race and cancelled the other.
So this is our Supercross story! It's been a pretty emotional and busy couple of months. I only pray and hope that Josh is as proud of himself as I am! He'll heal up quick and do great at Seattle. I have so much faith in this! And our sponsor at Lifestyles Honda, Gary, has the same faith as I do in Joshua!
I am so thankful and could never in my lifetime thank, the way I would like to, the people who have been there physically and emotionally for us! I pray that the Lord will bless each of you in His own way! I try so hard not to take things for granted! I hope everyone knows this! I try to count and be thankful for my blessings daily!

How our life started with motocross

2010-01-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

** I wanted to load some pics here, but the website isn't cooperating, so I will do so later when it isn't acting up.

In 1997, Cole was 8 years old, and he told me that he wanted a dirtbike for his birthday. I said, "Oh. Uh . . Yah. . maybe when you are like 10 years old." I figured that if I made him wait a couple of years then he'd change his mind by then! I was a bit wrong! Of course, when Cole turned 10 . . . on on the day of his birthday, Travis was outside riding around in the cul de sac riding on a new Yamaha 80 for Cole! Picture that! I wish I had a picture of that!

So of course, since Cole had a dirtbike, Josh thought that was cool and wanted one too! But we'd made Cole wait two years when he asked at the age of 8, so it wasn't really fair to buy Josh a bike when he was 8. Travis relented and ended up buying a sort of clunker cute little bike for Josh. It was basically a little frame run on a lawnmower engine! We do have pictures of the boys on their first bikes! They are in one of my Facebook photo albums.

Living in the city of Lynden, in a cul de sac doesn't exactly give the boys room to ride their bikes. We often went down to the Nooksack river to ride. Travis and I also had trail bikes. Over time, the boys' bikes got bigger and faster. Eventually, a friend of the boys and Travis (Robert Jansen) mentioned that Hannegan Speedway might be fun for the boys. Cole and Josh started racing Hannegan Speedway that Spring on Thursday nights. Soon enough, the weekend series races came into play. This got our family traveling on the weekends to follow races throughout Washington and sometimes into Oregon.

Eventually, Kyleigh and Abigail wanted to participate in school sports such as basketball and soccer. And so began our separate weekends. Sometimes the girls and I would go along, but more and more often, we would stay home for their sports games and events. It was also important to me not to be skipping church every weekend to go away with the boys. Church has always been a large part of my life, and I knew there were blessings for putting the Lord first. It was hard on me not being with the boys, especially after a few of their injuries. I felt kind of guilty not being there. I do remember one Sunday, tho, sitting in the pew at church. I felt overwhelmed by this peaceful, loving feeling. I can still feel(I mean that . . I FELT) the words that came to me: "You are in the right place." I knew that I was where I belonged. I also know that when we do what the Lord expects of us, we are blessed. I knew that as long as I was at church and doing His will, he would protect my boys. If for any reason, one of the boys got hurt, it was His will, and I was able to hand that over to Him when I wasn't there with my guys. I have often prayed while in church and asked for "any blessings that I was earning to be handed over to my boys in way of keeping them safe." As I type this, I remember, also, praying a few times in church and asking the Lord to send my guardian angel or angels to leave me and protect them. It's amazing the things we, as parents, are willing to sacrifice for our children's safety and health! Cole and Josh have definitely experienced their injuries, but I still feel that we've been blessed with safe and healthy years of motocross! I am so thankful for this!

They say it gets easier????

2010-01-03T10:37:00.000-08:00

So with the holidays over, I can try to say, "It's time to relax", but that would be a lie. Now begins the month long Supercross weekends! It's a different kind of busy than the holidays. This is something that Travis and Josh worked hard for. Something that we all have sacrificed for Joshua to have. It will surely be emotional seeing that Travis won't be physically there. I know that will give Josh all the more reason to push himself. Prayers of support and safety for Josh and sanity for me are appreciated!

Here is the website that shows the schedule Josh will be doing most of:
http://www.supercross.com/ama-supercross-schedule

Getting through the holidays wasn't as depressing as I thought it might be. Not that it wasn't sad at all, but when you are constantly surrounded by those who love and care about you, it's hard to be sad! Now that things are quieting down at home a bit, I do find myself wondering what people meant or thought they knew when they said "It gets easier." Tears sure come easier lately. Maybe it is the actual reality of Travis not coming home that is hitting me. I haven't slept with my bed empty except three nights since his leaving. My girls are constantly there, so that helps a little bit. Doesn't mean I don't cry myself to sleep. Pictures were easier to look at in the weeks before. I felt closer to him when I laid in bed holding the big teddybear (I always called him my big teddy bear. You can't say that he doesn't look like a big teddy bear!) that I'd spray his cologne on. Now it just makes me miss him that much more!

I have decided that if I could have any wish for myself right now, I'd wish to have one night full of dreams that include being with Travis, then to wake in the morning and remember every one of those dreams. I have remembered my dreams once in 11 weeks. I lay in bed some nights and pray to have those dreams and pray to remember them. At least in my dreams I can hear his voice, touch him . . .

When a family loses a loved one, there are a multitude of emotions by a multitude of people. I have lost my husband, my children have each lost their father. They don't know the depth of my sadness losing a spouse as I don't know the depth of their losing a father. Not to mention, the different relationships that each of my children had with their father.
When I meet up with people who know Travis, and I see their sadness in having him gone, I feel so sad for them.
The photo above is the headstone that the kids and I have agreed on. The horse and dirt bike rider will be just a bit smaller, but otherwise this is what it will look like. Hopefully it will be placed soon! The holidays have delayed things a bit. I was originally going to get one headstone for both of us, but thinking and different suggestions led me to getting Travis' headstone alone. It can always be removed and replaced as a combined headstone later if wanted.

Wrap up of the holidays.

2010-01-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

So the holidays have come and gone. I wasn't sure how it was going to be. I feel I was stronger than people may have expected. I'm not one to lay in bed under the blankets and cry "always me". Not to mention, you can't do that very well with children. They need me to function. And laying under the blankets crying doesn't accomplish anything, nor would that make Travis happy.

I have posted about Thanksgiving and Christmas in previous posts. Thanksgiving morning we had breakfast with Travis' brother, Chuck and his children along with Chuck's girlfriend, Susan and her sweet family. We ate and the kids played games. We then had lunch/dinner with the Lagerwey family (our business partner) at their home. That was nice also. We've never gotten together with the Lagerweys like that before. That night, the kids and I hung out at home playing the Wii MarioKart game that I got them for Christmas and let them open early.
Christmas was spent with brunch on Christmas Eve with my sister's family and our parents. Then we went home and the kids and I had dinner, played the Wii and watched our favorite Christmas movie, Elf, with Will Farrell. Since our livingroom is under construction, the kids all slept up in the apartment in our barn. Christmas morning was quiet and perfect as the five us of exchanged gifts and hung out with no interruptions. Later, we hung at my sister's house again before dinner with Chuck, Susan and her inviting family! I feel Thanksgiving and Christmas were as perfect as can be with our recent reality.
*If you look at the Christmas tree pictures, in the full tree picture, if you look closely, you can see that we displayed our most recent family picture as the tree top and hung things of Travis' in the tree such as a pair of his sun glasses (you can see one lens), a work glove, watch and pictures Abby wanted up there. I think it was nice and helped feel like he was there with us!

New Years, Abby, Ron and I hung out in the apartment til Kyleigh and Khylar showed up. We played Wii and then since Ron hadn't seen Elf yet, we watched it and bounced between that and the ball dropping in New York and fireworks in Seattle on TV.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-29T01:00:00.000-08:00

People kept saying, "I can imagine how hard the holidays are for you." I didn't think it was going to be quite as hard as it was. Travis wasn't real involved in the Christmas shopping. Our anniversary is Nov 19, so he and I always went to Seattle for a night, grabbed a comedy show at the Underground and the next day walked Pike Street looking for Christmas gifts. That was fun for a few years, but we rarely ended up with many gifts. The last few years, though, we started actually finding a mall and doing our shopping. November 2008, we were in the Southcenter mall when a shooting occurred. Quite scary as the shooting happened just down the way from the store we were in . . . at a store we had just passed by a few minutes before!! Anyways . . those anniversary weekends were the only days Travis was really involved at all with the actual shopping for Christmas gifts(let us not forget the financial support that provided all of it!), minus any motocross stuff he'd bring home for me to wrap for the boys. Even Christmas Eve, Travis always was sleeping while I got the Santa gifts and stockings all in place.
Even with the little amount that Travis really got involved with . . . I'd do anything to have had him here sleeping in our bed . . . whilst I got Santa's things ready!
This year, Travis was still involved financially, yet I am sure that he was just as excited as I was for his children to receive their gifts this year. The children's main gift from me (the package tags said "from: Mom and Dad") was quite original. I was able to have a wonderful "sister" from church gather other "sisters" and they all helped me in making things for each of my children . . . out of Travis' clothes! Cole received a blanket made out of Travis' camo clothing and jeans. The hardest part of all the items made for the kids was when I chose to use the camo shirt and jeans (that the medical staff cut off of Travis the day that he passed) on Cole's blanket. I just couldn't discard them. Joshua's blanket is made up of Travis' motocross t-shirts. Kyleigh's blanket is made to look western with more of Travis' jeans and flannel and plaid shirts that he often wore. The "sister" who made Kyleigh's blanket also went out of her way and made a pillow for Ky. She even put a picture of Kyleigh and her dad on the pillow, along with a back pocket from a pair of his jeans! Abigail didn't get a blanket . . . or a pillow. Instead, she received a teddy bear! This teddy bear was made out of Travis' red sweats and a pair of grey sweats turned inside out for a bit of a fuzzy look! Also, the "sister" who made this bear took one of Travis' most often worn plaid shirts and made the bear a shirt out of that one!!!! And . . . since Travis often wore grey tshirts, the bear had a grey tshirt under the plaid shirt! The bear also has a pair of Travis' jeans made into a pair of overalls. The bib for the overalls was made out of a back pocket from some jeans. These objects being made out of Travis' clothes came to me as an idea from someone throughout the first few weeks after his passing. I sure wish that I could remember who! I know that it was an amazing idea, and I am SO thankful that my children have this part of their father to hold onto forever! It is irreplaceable! I also had a blanket made for our business partner's family. It was original in its own way also. It has a lot of different pieces from Travis' clothes also, along with two pictures of Travis and his name off his J&L sweatshirt. My goal is to still (myself) make Travis' mother and brother a table runner out of his clothing. Cross your fingers!
Christmas, like I said, was a bit harder than I'd thought. But . . . it was also as nice as it could have been seeing our situation. Seeing that our livingroom is under construction, our Christmas tree (which I need to get a picture of and show on here!) is up in the apartment, in the barn where the boys sleep.
Christmas Eve, we had brunch at my sister's house in Everson. Our parents came from Idaho, and it was nice to all be together, minus my brother who didn't come up from California this year. After brunch and a few games, me and the kids went home and hung out eating lasagna and playing the Wii. Then we watched Elf, our favorite Christmas movie! The girls slept in the apartment with the boys that night, since the Christmas tree was out there. I ended up actually WAKING everyone up on Christmas morning!! It was 7:30!!!! So we all hid out in the apartment and exchanged gifts while eating cinnamon rolls (our traditional Christmas morning breakfast!). After exchanging gifts, we played the Wii and enjoyed each other's company for a while!! In my opinion, my Christmas morning couldn't have gone any better! I was rather happy, in the end, that we weren't in the house that morning. No house phone ringing to interupt our time or anything like that. I felt very blessed and happy!
Christmas Day, after enjoying each other's company, we all showered and then headed back to my sister's house to play games and share the excitement of gifts. At 5, we went and had dinner with Travis' brother Chuck and his sweet girlfriend, Susan and her family! It was so thoughtful of them to invite us to their home! We felt very comfortable!
I am thankful for my blessings. I try to count them daily. My children all got me sweet, loving, some personal, gifts for Christmas, that made me feel so loved and understood! I am so thankful to the Lord for entrusting me with each one of them! I know that with each other to lean on . . . we will be okay!

Update on us . . part 3 . . our girls!

2009-12-19T10:25:00.001-08:00

Our children have always been active. It's important to me. Motocross has been what has helped keep our boys out of trouble. Kyleigh and Abigail are just as active, but in their own ways. Kyleigh loves playing soccer, and played for the local high school this past Fall. As much as Ky doesn't like me writing family updates with her and Abby the same, it's cause they are so much the same. Abigail enjoys soccer as much as Ky does, and has been playing since the begining of Fall. She played for the local school and just finished indoor soccer. Indoor winter soccer starts after the holidays, and she'll be doing that also. Abby usually plays basketball also, but with all we've had on our plate since Travis' passing, I asked her if she wouldn't mind skipping it this year, and she agreed.

4H has also been part of our lives for a few years now. Kyleigh has participated in the local fair for the past three years with her horses, and this year, Abigail is old enough to do so! I'm more excited than she is. I think she's more nervous than anything. With the boys having Travis' time and money spent on motocross, the girls were given horses. I know that they want to keep up with the horses in memory of their father. And I will do what I can to keep that going for them.

Update Part 2 . . our boys.

2009-12-19T09:55:00.001-08:00

These pictures were taken on Thanksgiving Day at the Lagerwey home. The men in front of the hay truck from left to right are Cole, Joshua, Curt and Michael (Curt's son).

The past year or so, it had been discussed to change J&L Express to an LLC and legal partnership. So far, the business was just a verbal partnership agreement between Curt and Travis. After Travis left, Curt and I decided we needed to take this seriously, and I also wanted Cole to be able to have part of that. So J&L Express is now J&L Express Hay, LLC!! It isn't a major deal to anyone but us. LLC stands for Limited Liability Company. This means that if something were to happen Curt, Cole or I wouldn't be personally responsible. It protects our personal from the business. It also put Cole's name in there as 5% owner of the business! I think he and I were equally excited about that. I am sure Travis is as excited as he is proud!

As many of you know, our boys have been heavily into motocross for the past 6 years or so. Cole has been on and off with the professional aspect of it, but Travis' passing and the business just solidified it for Cole. He was attempting to get his CDL last year, but didn't put a lot of effort into it until now. He is now applying and testing for his CDL so that he can start driving in the Spring. This is no surprise to me as Cole is nothing but a follower in his dad's footsteps!
The day of Travis' passing, he and Cole had been up hunting in Eastern Washington. Not a day has gone by since that Cole hasn't been out somewhere at one time of the day or other with his camo gear and gun! I'll never forget the morning after Travis' funeral. My cell phone rang and I could see that it was Cole. When I answered, he was so excited. The first time in days that he had emotion in his voice. He informed me that he had shot a deer! You could just hear the pride and excitement! I could also tell that he knew his father had been with him that morning. Phone calls were made and soon the county knew that Cole had shot his deer! He has since bought himself a bow and is often out practicing shooting it at a bale of straw.

Now it has been duck season, and quite often, Cole is up before the sun off to hunt! If he isn't working with J&L he is hunting someplace!

Joshua earned his Professional Motocross license last year for outdoor motocross. His goal this year has been to get his Supercross license and race down in Anaheim, CA. When Travis passed, the last thing I could do was say "Sorry Josh. Dad isn't here now. Bikes gotta go." This was Josh's dream, and the one thing he and his father did together. Travis sacrificed a lot to get Josh where he was. Us girls sacrificed a lot to get the boys to their races every weekend possible. There is no stopping when he is right there at his goal!
So with financial help from Travis' life ins, Lifestyles Honda, Enzo, and Smith plus a few AMAZING friends, Josh is signed up to attend Supercross in Anaheim January 9th, 2010! Not only that, but the whole month of January plus the first weekend in Feb is full of Supercross for Josh! AND . . . Seattle, WA in April! One of my main goals since Travis' passing has been just to get Josh through January with Supercross. Now I just pray that his paperwork goes through without a hitch and that Josh stays healthy and strong through the first of February!!!! I look forward to going to watch and support his first Supercross January 9th! Go #614!

Update on us .. part 1

2009-12-19T08:28:00.001-08:00

December 19, 2009
Life continues for the five of us and J&L Express. It is like was said before, "When we experience loss, It is not what happens TO us that matters as much as what happens IN us." and "It is not the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for it is inevitable. It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, direction and impact of our lives."
So as of today, the life insurance worked its way to an account in my name, and I was gradually able to take care of credit cards and other bills that were now my responsibility. Travis was always really great at keeping bills down, but with the economy being the way it was, this wasn't the best time to say we had no credit card balances. All in all, it has managed to be dealt with. I am thankful for this. Just the other day, I felt I was maybe being overwhelmed with the knowledge that I had been putting off some mail and bills. I sat on my bed and spent hours going through and paying these bills. It felt good when I was done for the day and able to know that stress was dealt with. I didn't realize how much that was weighing me down until I had it removed.

One of my ways of "responding to our situation" has been to do a bit around the house. Well . . it isn't really "a bit"! The past few years, Travis has paid our propane (heating) bill through J&L. With Travis being gone . . . and my name now on the business . . I knew things needed to be done a bit more "right" and I need to pay our heating bill out of my own checkbook. The middle of winter is pretty expensive here in the Jackson house! We have an older house that has been added to over the years, yet the heating just dragged through. A few years ago, I had mentioned to Travis, "You know, we pay an awful lot for heat in the winter. Let's look into getting a fireplace." I wanted a wood-burning stove. The truth of the matter was that we didn't have ROOM for one. As much as we argued, that was the truth of it. We ended up getting a propane fireplace put in the corner of the livingroom with the television mounted over. That was nice . . when you were in the livingroom part of the house, or when it was turned up to 72 degrees, which incidentally . . . was running off the propane just like the actual house heat. So . . . our bill didn't get lowered one bit! Which wasn't the idea in the first place, so our heating bill continued to be high in the winter time.
After Travis passing and the reality of me being responsible for the family hit, I started looking into options we had when it came to our home and the 20 acres we "owned". After asking and having things looked into, it came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do would be to sell the place out-right and buy something smaller with the little I'd make off the sell (the economy is to be thanked for this) or stay here and maybe fix things up. Well ... I wasn't willing to sell and not make anything off it. (We have refinanced a few times and put money towards the business, plus the economy has helped lose a lot of value on our house.) So . . . since winter was coming soon, I decided my first defense was going to be figuring out how we were going to make it through the winter without draining every penny for heat. I had Travis' high school friend, Aaron, come over. He owns his own construction company. I know I could have had other friends and family who are talented in construction do things for me, but this was going to be pretty big a job for just weekends and "when I'm not busy with real work" job. I knew that if we decided to stay here, I needed to put a little bit of money that I would have spent trying to subdivide into the house. This would be done by paying someone a bit to have things done and done right away before the real winter hits us. There are lots of other things I'd like to have done also that living, caring friends and family can help with as time permits.

Let me point out that our house is small, and off the small livingroom, was Abigail's bedroom. We also have a small room next to the master bedroom that was originally built as an office. We built a door for it when we moved in and made it into a small bedroom. Earlier this year, Josh decided to move out to the barn apartment, so Kyleigh moved her bedroom downstairs. The past year or so, I had told Travis a few times, "We need to knock that wall down between Abby's room and the livingroom so we have room for company to visit." It was just the right size to fit our family. Adding others was always cramped. So . . . . obviously what you are thinking is right. The pictures give it away. As Aaron and I stood in the livingroom and talked about my desire to have a wood-burning stove, I also mentioned to him how badly I would like to have a bigger livingroom. As we discussed things, it came to light that we could tear the wall down to make the livingroom bigger and then I thought, "let's move the bathroom doorway and put the fireplace there! There's already the original chimney right there!" And that is what we have done! Abigail got moved back to the smaller bedroom that was once an office and we tore the wall down! The bathroom doorway was closed off and the entrance is now in the hallway where the bathroom closet used to be. The fireplace will be where the bathroom door once was.
As of today, the mudding is complete and seeing that it is a weekend then Monday is the day that the texturing will be sprayed on and painting will be done! Yesterday (Friday) Aaron and I went to Lowe's and picked out the tile for the fireplace and the paint for the livingroom and bathroom. Our livingroom is huge now and the fireplace is what I long to see done! The week that construction started, we did have quite a cold spell with a bit of snow, but the girls and I managed with the electric fireplace that is in my bedroom and keeping the door shut for the heat to stay in. Since the livingroom is out of service, we basically live in my bedroom or watching movies in the barn apartment with the boys. Next week is Christmas and since we knew this wouldn't be all done by then, we put the Christmas tree up in the apartment where we will celebrate Christmas morning. Hopefully by the beginning of the following week, the fireplace will be installed! Then I look forward to a freezing cold, snowy winter!
The one thing that people have asked us when they hear what we are doing is about firewood. The boys heat the apartment with a wood stove. There is also a stove in the shop where the dirtbikes are kept and worked on. So . . Travis has always made sure there was ample firewood in the barn. In fact, about two weeks before his passing, he had a cord of firewood delivered and stacked. Also, his brother , Chuck, works for a mill and had just brought a load of mill ends for us. We are good for this winter. Also, Cole's friend talked to him about getting a load of logs to cut and stack for drying til next winter. This we will split with him and it will give us 4 cords of firewood for next winter at the price of having one load of already cut wood delivered.

I will surely attach new pics of the finished livingroom/fireplace when it is completed. I know that had Travis and I thought of moving the bathroom door and putting the fireplace there while he was still with us, he wouldn't have thought twice before agreeing to doing this work. Again, I have decided that this is one of my ways of responding to our loss. I'm thankful for a caring friend in Aaron who is working hard to have this done soon for us and who loves us enough to help keep costs down as much as we can also.

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-29T06:43:00.000-08:00

So last year at Thanksgiving, I mentioned to Travis, us driving to Idaho to celebrate with my parents. He surprisingly agreed! I was so excited! My parents live about an hour from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Once you drive about 7 hours and then get off the main highway, it's literally 13 miles of winding road. But . . . beautiful winding road! Not to forget that by this time, it was sunset, and there were so many beautiful sunset scenes! I'll never forget Travis driving that 13 miles with Cole in the seat behind him. Both of them with their windows down and looking all about at the perfect hunting grounds! I had to remind Travis a few times that he was driving, cause his rubber-necking would make us swerve at times! It was cute! He shoulda just had me drive so he could sight see while I drove!
So we stayed at my parents' house for a few days, enjoying the peace and quiet of a secluded-like town, not much cell phone service, good food and lots of game playing! My parents had taught us not long previously how to play a card game called "Hand and Foot". You need six decks of cards, and it's what we played most of the weekend we were there.
If you go back and look at my plog page titled "The Warning Signs", it will tell you the situation that Travis experienced while we were there. This year, it crossed my mind to go back to Mom and Dad's for Thanksgiving, but I knew because of last year's situation, I wouldn't be able to do that. It would have made for a sad holiday rather than a peaceful, enjoyable one.
So . . . Travis' brother, Chuck, and his sweet girlfriend, Susan, invited us over to their house for Thanksgiving breakfast. We drove out there for hotcakes, eggs, bacon, sausage . . . and family visiting. It was nice. Even squeezed a few games of Apples to Apples in there!
I noticed lately, that when we go places as a family, it's so much like the current book I'm reading describes. When you lose someone like we did, it's nothing like a big gash on your arm or a large injury. It's literally like walking around with an amputation. It's not just a big hurt. It is GONE. There is a huge space in our family that we know won't ever be replaced.
Around noon, the kids and I all climbed back into Travis' (soon to be Cole's) big white and headed to the Lagerwey home for lunch/dinner. As we were all in the truck and visiting a bit with the radio on, I heard a song begin. I slightly recalled what song I thought it was and turned the volume up. It happened to be Trace Adkins' "All I Ask For Anymore". Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkJA1rL_Ga8 *You have to copy and paste it into the address bar.
I know Travis was talking to his family at that moment! I'm so thankful for that!
We arrived at the Lagerwey's around 1:00 to hugs and smiles. It's been a very rough 6 weeks or so for Suzanne who has recently lost her mother even since Travis' passing. Not to mention, Curt's father is losing his own fight with cancer. Dear, sweet Suzanne still insisted on making Thanksgiving dinner (dinner for us. It was lunch for them!) for our two families! Cole was asked to do the honors of carving the turkey, and then we enjoyed each other's company for the next couple of hours. Funny thing is . . . when Travis was here, the only time we ever really got our families together was at a Mexican restaurant for dinners. Their daughter, Sarah, and Abby are good friends and get together a lot, and Cole and their son, Michael, do things together sometimes, but the two entire families meeting up rarely happened. I am thankful for this day that we shared! I ask daily for the Lord to bless the Lagerwey family for all the trials they are currently going through.
After the kids and I got home, I had decided previously to give them a group Christmas present. There are a couple of reasons for this. 1) Last year, we got the family a Wii for Christmas, and Travis convinced me to let them have it on Thanksgiving. He could NOT hold secrets like presents for long! So this year, I thought it fitting to give them their present that went with the Wii (Mario Kart with the steeringwheels) 2) It was a perfect family time activity for the five of us to enjoy each others company and have fun for the evening! And we did. :)

Throughout our marriage, it was always my idea that November is Thanksgiving and December is Christmas. I would refuse to put Christmas decorations up until December 1st. Travis bugged me each year to do it sooner, but not until the past maybe five years did I relent. So . . for the past few years, it's always been the day after Thanksgiving for the Christmas decorations to go up. In fact, last year, Travis surprised me and got into the decorating also (He never helped. Never even touched one decoration. Just enjoyed them being there!). Travis got a ladder and ended up down by our pond putting lights on the trees, along our front fence, wherever he felt he could string them! It was cute!
This year, I just couldn't find the "want" or the energy to do the decorations the day after Thanksgiving. I do want to put them up, but I'm just not in the hurry to celebrate Christmas without Travis. He had finally gotten into being part of it all! But I feel we need to eventually decorate like he would have. And when we do, it will be only because of him. (well .. and I do have a 9 year old!)

More thoughts and points from the book

2009-11-21T08:47:00.000-08:00

"I have probably always heard stories of people losing loved ones in their lives, but until I experienced loss myself, I did not listen intently to them or let those stories penetrate. I am more sensitive to the pain now. "
When you hear of other people's losses, whose loss is worse? "Each experience of loss is unique, each painful in its own way. but also different. No one will ever know the pain I have experienced because it is my own, just as I will never know the pain others may have experienced." Even my own children's pains are different than my own. I'll never really deeply understand their pain of losing their father at the ages of 20, 18, 15 and 9.

"Sudden and tragic loss leads to terrible darkness. However threatening, we must face it, and we must face it alone. Even though I didn't want to, I had to plan a memorial service. I had to bury him. I had to care for my four children who were sad, terrified and confused.

I couldn't view Travis' body. I just couldn't get myself to look at him in that state. I know he wouldn't want me to. My last memory of Travis was the morning that he left for hunting. I was still laying in bed and he got dressed. He was all ready to go and came out of the bathroom then over to me in the bed to say good bye. As Travis bent over the bed to give me a kiss, I pulled him down on me so that I could more hold him than just give him a quick hug and kiss. He let me hug him for a few seconds, then he kissed me and walked out the door down the hall.
Abigail told me that the same morning, Daddy came to her and said good bye with hugs and kisses before he left. I'm so thankful for those memories of our last moments together! They are what gets me through the days. When It came to seeing him after he passed, I didn't want my last memory of him replaced. Also, I knew I would want to climb into that casket with him and refuse to let go! I know that Travis knows all of this and understands. I don't feel you have to be in front of someone's casket looking at them to say good bye.
I do have a hard time going to the cemetery, because it's hard to imagine that his body is lying in the ground! I did, though, on our anniversary, go down and get the headstone put into action. Hopefully by December, Travis' burial site will be as perfect as can be.

"I have the power to choose the direction of my life. Even if the only choice open to me was to either run from the loss or face it as best I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it. I had to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I can't always determine the proper time and setting for tears, which occasionally come at unexpected and inconvenient moments. I am surprised to see how inoffensive this is to others. If nothing else, it invites others to mourn their losses with me.
Still, I try to reserve time and space in my life for solitude so that I can descent into the sadness alone. At night, in bed, after everyone is off to bed. I often take Travis' pictures to bed with me and look through them while I talk to him, cry, miss him and remember him.
This nightly solitude, as painful and demanding as it is, is sacred to me because it allows time for genuine mourning and intense reflection. It also gives me freedom during the day to invest my energy into teaching and caring for my family. I am often tired, but I find the strength- God's gift to me- to carry on despite getting little sleep.
**During these evening rituals, it often kills me just imagining what Cole went through to be there with his father as his spirit left and what life is like for him without his best friend!

At first, this sense of darkness so preoccupied me that I found myself unable to concentrate on things that needed my memory. I became a robot programmed to perform certain functions that I was able to do quite well because of habits developed over many years.

I have found that "the defining moment can be OUR RESPONSE to the loss. It is not what happens TO us that matters as much as what happens IN us."

I lived in the sadness and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. The book I've been reading describes this perfectly: "I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it becomes a part of who I am. Sorrow has taken up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it. A willingness to face the loss and to enter into the sadness is the first step we must take. We don't always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play inlife, but we can choose how we are going to play these roles we have been given. Choice, therefore, is the key. If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering."

This book helps describe things so well!
"The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering. Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions when we experience loss. Once enlarged, the sould is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace and love. What we consider opposites - east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life- are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight. The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time."
"We must mourn, but we must also go on living."

"It is obviously impossible for me to express sorrow every time I feel sorrowful. I don't want to surrender myself completely to the whims of raw emotion. I cry sometimes, in public setting, and I will. But even then I can regain composure and carry on with normal activities. I learn to live and mourn simultaneously. The sorrow I feel won't disappear but will be integrated into my life as a painful part of a healthy whole.

The book describes this integrating as being like a tree stump after the tree is cut down from it. The stump will always remain there in the Earth. "The stump represents my loss. You plant around the stump. Work around it. Plant trees, shrubs, flowers and grass. Watch everything grow. With time, the stump still remains, reminding of the beloved tree that was lost. But the stump is surrounded by a beautiful garden of blooming flowers and growing trees and green grass. Likewise, the sorrow i feel remains, but I will try to create a landscape around the loss so that what was once ugly is now an integral part of a larger, lovely whole."

I want to gain as much as I can from the loss without neglecting ordinary responsibilities. I want to integrate my pain into mine and my children's lives in order to ease some of its sting I want to learn wisdom and grow in character.

Travis' "hay history"

2009-11-21T08:35:00.001-08:00

While Travis and I dated, I was waitressing at the Duke Restaurant in Lynden, WA, which my parents happened to be managing at the time. One day, a regular coffee drinker named Kim was in and asked my mother if she knew anyone that could maybe buck hay. Lynden Hay Company was looking for hay bucks. Mom mentioned Travis. That was the beginning of Travis' life in the hay business! He started out as a hay buck. Decided he wanted to earn his CDL to drive truck, but he was only 21 years old, and the insurance would be expensive for any male under the age of 25. Travis was given an offer from Bogaard Hay Company, so he changed employers. Months later, he was driving the hay truck to and from the farms and hauling hay from Eastern Washington! Eventually, Travis went back to working for Lynden Hay. This would be where Travis eventually learned how to SELL hay as well as haul an unload. He just gradually learned the ins and outs of the hay company.

While working for Lynden Hay Company, Travis would meet a farmer named Curt Lagerwey. Curt had a relative that passed away, and he had inherited some family money that he was interested in investing. He offered to invest some of this money in Travis by helping him buy a truck of his own so that he could go into business for himself. Travis was a very proud man. He wouldn't even consider borrowing money from his mother to purchase our first home. He wanted to be self-reliant and do it on his own. When Curt offered this investment, Travis said no thank you. About 8 months later, Travis changed his mind, and took Curt up on his offer. This was the beginning of J & L Express! The "J" stands for Jackson and the "L" stands for Lagerwey. This was approximately 15 years ago!

A lot of people have asked what will be with the business now that Travis isn't here. J&L Express shall continue! All of Cole's life, he has been going to get loads of hay with his father and visiting farmers. He has gotten to know the business as well as you might imagine. Because of this, he is working on earning his CDL license so that he can start hauling hay in place of his father. As proud as Cole has made me and Curt with his determination and hard work for the company since Travis has passed, I am sure that Travis is smiling down on Cole with pride!

How we met.

2009-11-21T08:00:00.001-08:00

My friend, Billie Jo, had a boyfriend named Jeff. Jeff had a friend whom Billie Jo said she wanted to set me up on a date with. She didn't tell me his name, as (I didn't know) he had a girlfriend at the time, so was going to introduce himself to me with a different name. What a player!

That blind date was on Sept. 12, 1987. And he did end up introducing himself to me as "Travis". He said later, "When I met you, I could see that I was gonna like you, so I told you my name." We went through the drama that teenagers go through with Travis battling between me and his previous girlfriend. Coincidentally, Sept 12, 1988, exactly one year from the day we met, I found out that I was pregnant. November 19, 1988, we were married! Cole was born May 9, 1989, and I graduated High School in June 1989! A bit out of the original order.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Cole, I sat with the school counselor and discussed my high school credits. I had 3 quarter credits left to earn before I could graduate from high school. I ended up going to the local technical college and attended a Teen Parenting program they had there. Cole was born in May and I was able to walk down the aisle with my graduating class in June and receive my High School diploma!

Readings from "A Grace Disguised" by Gerald L. Sittser

2009-11-13T00:20:00.000-08:00

This book was given to me by Abigail's sweet piano teacher, Mrs. Borries. Thank you Barbara! The book has meant a lot to me! I only pray that I can pass it on to another some day and it can help them as much!
Some parts that have meant a lot to me:

"It is not the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for it is inevitable. It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, direction and impact of our lives."

"Loss is like a terminal illness. There is nothing we can do to spare ourselves from such sickness, except perhaps put it off for a while. But there is another sickness that we can heal- the sickness of our souls. If we face loss squarely and respond to it wisely, we will become healthier people. We will find our souls healed, as they can only be healed through suffering."

'The loss (of Travis) set me on a course down which I had to journey whether I wanted to or not. I faced the test of my life. One phase of my life had ended; another, the most difficult, was about to begin."

"Living means changin, and change requires that we lose one thing before we gain something else. Thus we lose our youth but gain adulthood. We lose the security of home but gain the independence of being on our own. There is continuity and een security in this process. We remember the losses that lie behind us, and we look forward to the gains that lie ahead. We live between the familiar past and the expected future. But there is a different kind of loss that inevitably occurs in all of our livves, though less frequently and certainly less predictably. This kind of loss has more devastating results, and it is irreversible. If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face some new and devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life.
"

Days that followed

2009-11-12T23:44:00.001-08:00

As soon as I pulled in the driveway from Abby's soccer game, somewhere in there, I informed Tina (mother of the family staying at our home) what happened. I handed her my phone to call my sister, Debra. Once Debra heard, she started making calls to our family and came right over. I had quickly called Travis' mother in North Carolina and his brother, Chuck in Bellingham as we walked from Abby's soccer field to the car.
Soon there were people flooding up our driveway, in as much shock as we were. They were coming for two main reasons 1)To see if the news they heard was surely right and 2)To comfort us with love. For the next few days, that is how our home looked. People all over with tears, hugs, flowers, food (LOTS of yummy lasagna!) and caring thoughts. One doesn't realize how many people they know in their life until something like this happens. I remember three years ago when our dear friend and the boys' mechanic, Jamie, passed away after a dirtbike incident at our home. It happened right before Travis' birthday, so on his day, I decided it would be good to gather Travis' friends for a dinner. It wasn't a huge deal, but enough. 35 people at one long table at the Mexican restaurant! I remember Travis' words to me, "You need this many seats? I don't have THAT many friends." He was wrong. SO wrong!
The second worse day of my life was the day I had to go visit a funeral home and schedule my 41 year old husband's funeral! Buy a casket??!! Plan a service?!??! What day is best? NO day is best! I don't want to do this! A funeral means someone is gone! Then to go to the cemetery and pick out where I want him to be buried???!?! The girls and I walk this cemetery all the time! I would never have thought I'd be doing this! Not now!

Travis' and my song has always been Randy Travis' "Forever and Ever, Amen". I remember being pregnant with Cole and listening to Randy Travis all the time. I know when Cole was born, he recognized that voice! A time or two when he was crying, I played that cd and Cole would stop crying to listen to Randy Travis!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTvbKVcxWEg (you have to copy and paste this to hear/view it)

Two years ago at the Northwest Washington Fair in Lynden, Randy Travis came to sing. It was a pretty emotional time for us as Travis' alcoholism finally came out and took its toll on our family. It was amazing that we actually were at the fair together, yet alone listening to our singer sing our song! That night, Randy Travis introduced his new song, "Dig Two Graves" As we listened to it, we both got emotional, and I said it then became our new song. It just so happened ...that day at the cemetery . . I purchased two graves side by side, and we will share one headstone. The song says, "Dig two graves. Just carve one stone." Again . . . sitting there at the fair that night, who would have known the meaning that song would hold in our lives! (I still need to get the headstone finished.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPhlPumBzv0&feature=PlayList&p=070A27D4E009685A&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=38 (You have to copy and paste this too)

The first saddest day of our lives.

2009-11-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

Travis and Cole had been invited to go to Conconully, WA and stay at a friends' house for a hunting weekend. Cole could have gone racing that weekend as our boys were heavily into motocross for years. But Cole said he'd rather go hunting, so they planned.

(The photo is Cole standing in front of where his father passed away.)

Friday morning, I was laying in bed while Travis got up and dressed to head out. He bent over the bed to give a good bye kiss. I grabbed him and pulled him down on me while I gave him a bit of a better and longer hug. He gave me a kiss and walked out of the house. That would be the last time that I saw my big teddy bear. Held him and kissed him. . . . even a good bye. Of course, had I known, I'd have never let go!
Friday afternoon, Travis called me to say hello, but where they were located, his phone had rough service. I had just gotten my car picked up from being detailed and was quite happy with how clean and pretty it was! I knew Travis took pride in me taking pride of my things, so I was telling him how clean the car was. That I'd be taking my Beamer in the spring to have Johnnie detail it too. Like I said, I wanted him to be proud that I wanted to take care of the things that he worked hard to get for me. That was basically our last "conversation", which was full of cut offs from bad service.
The next morning, it was raining and miserable outside yet Abigail had a soccer game at 9AM. For some reason, kids love playing in the rain! We arrived at the soccer field around 9:08ish, and Abby waited on the sideline for her turn to rotate in. I felt bad she was late, but that's how we are, unfortunately. As Josh, Kyleigh and I stood under our umbrellas in the pouring down rain, Abby got called out onto the field. After Abby had been out on the field for about ten minutes, my cell phone rang. I noticed I didn't recognize the number, but I answered it. It was Andrew Denham, the friend whose house Travis and Cole were staying at while hunting. I thought, "Travis' phone must not have had good service or something so Andrew was calling to check in and say hi for Travis to let me know his phone was having issues." Then Andrew's voice said, "Hi Dawn. This is Andrew. " I said, "Oh. Hello. How are you?" He responded with a, "I'm calling to let you know that I'm in the hospital." As soon as he said that, I thought like I normally do on a weekend with my guys gone (eventho Josh was home), "Dirtbike crash? No. They aren't racing this weekend. Hospital? Hunting. Who got hurt? Accidentally shot? That happens!" Andrew continued with his call to me, "I'm in the hospital with Cole." Okay. What does that mean? Cole is hurt? I asked, "What happened? Is Cole okay?" Andrew continued, "Cole is okay. That is why I am calling you." I thought to myself again, "Cole is okay. That means . . Travis isn't okay?? Did he accidentally get shot? Did he trip or fall?" I asked Andrew, "Cole is okay. Is Travis okay?!" Andrew said back, "That is why I am calling you, Dawn. He isn't." Did Andrew say anything after that? I don't remember. Cause it hit me that Travis was gone! I knew what happened. He'd had a heart attack and was gone!
Standing under that umbrella in the pouring rain, Kyleigh and Josh were watching and listening to my phone conversation. By this point, they knew I was on the phone with Andrew and he was in a hospital. They also had heard me say that Cole was okay.
Abby was playing soccer in the background and oblivious to our situation. I literally did what you see on television: nothing but yell, "Nooo!" Josh and Ky got worried and asked what was wrong. I don't remember how I told them, just that I did as we stood there in the rain. Cole got on the phone and told me how things played out:
"Dad was just fine all morning. Frank, Dad and I were hunting together. We had just been out maybe ten minutes when I noticed Dad wasn't behind me. It was still kind of dark. Around 6:00 in the morning. I called out to Dad asking if he was alright. He just hollered back that he had to pee. I stood there waiting and it ended up being a bit of time for him to just pee. When he showed up, he said that he had to take a dump too. The three of us started walking again and Dad said to Frank and me, "Don't worry about me. I'll keep up." Then Frank said back, "No. We're fine. We'll go your pace. No big deal." About a minute later, I noticed again that Dad wasn't behind me. I turned around and started walking towards him. He was laying on the ground and unconscious. The ground there was so rocky that at first, I thought maybe he slipped and hit his head on a rock. I ran to him and rolled him over, but there were no marks on his head. I left Frank with Dad and ran to the truck to use the radio and call for help."
Cole went back to the truck, and the only other information I've gotten from him about the situation is that they performed CPR on Travis for an hour. Cole said to me, "I know that it's probably wrong for the son to be the first one to give up on his father, but after ten minutes, I knew he was gone. I just knew he was gone." I don't judge Cole one bit here. I am touched by how he was so aware and in tune with things to say he knew that his dad was gone. I just can't dwell too much on imagining what Cole, my eldest child, went through up there on the mountain with his best friend, father, his EVERYTHING . . . . leaving him. Nothing else in this world could EVER be worse to imagine! I am just so sorry, Cole! When I think about it, though, I feel Travis must have known something was coming. He left us (minus what poor Cole went through) the best way he would have ever wanted. He was doing something that he loved with, honestly, his favorite person in the world. (I've accepted this years ago!) Travis wouldn't have wanted me to see him in this way either.

I told Josh to get Abby but not to say anything. Poor Abby got yanked off the soccer field from where she had JUST GOTTEN and dragged to the car while Ky, Josh and I were bawling. I did not want Abby to hear that her father had passed away as we walked to the car in the rain. Problem was, she saw us all crying and frantic. Of course, she started crying too, only cause we were. She kept asking what was wrong. "Let's get home and we will talk about it there," I said.

Don't ask me how we got home. I only know that we did. Josh had driven his truck and I had driven my car. I had Kyleigh ride with Josh home while I had Abby and two of the Zaiss girls (friends who were living in their motorhome in our yard at the time) also. I called Josh on his phone as I drove home, telling him to pay attention to where he was driving when he asked, "Where are we going?" I answered, "Home, Josh. Just go home and pay attention to your driving. Drive careful." I didn't know what we were going to do! Go to Omak and see Travis? Was this real? It had to be real. Cole wouldn't lie to me. If he really said Travis had a heart attack and had left us, I believed him. I felt terrible for Cole and wanted only to be with him, but he was 4 hours away! Before we actually left the soccer field, Cole had called me back and explained to me that there was no reason for me to drive over there. He was going to be on his way home soon, and the funeral home would transport Travis.

I pulled up the driveway with Josh and Kyleigh behind us. We all piled into the house and I walked Abby to the couch where we sat down. With Abby on my lap, I looked at her and told her that "Daddy and Cole were hunting in the mountain this morning. Daddy's heart got tired and stopped working. They couldn't get it working again, and Daddy's spirit has gone to be with Heavenly Father." Me, Joshua, Kyleigh and Abigail all sat on the couch and cried together as the news continued to sink in.

The warning signs

2009-11-10T05:42:00.000-08:00

You know, when things happen, you always look back at life and see signs of warning. I've seen these signs all our marriage. I have often pointed them out to not only Travis but also to my children. It sounds sad and gloomy, but I just felt I needed to warn my boys that their family history back quite a few generations on their father's side didn't look good. Early heart attacks and alcoholism were in the cards for them if they weren't careful. I warned my boys to stay away from alcohol. What if they did try it and liked it?? What about learning good eating habits early? I just always worry about them (as a mother should) not being ones to end the cycle of the Jackson family.

Travis' father passed away in 1987 due to a heart attack at the age of 48. Yes, he was an alcoholic. As I said, looking back through his genealogy, I could see that this was a habit of Jackson men . . . . dying of heart attacks. But at the age of 48? My hope was for Travis to be aware and want to end this trend. At least to live longer than his own father.

When we met (on a blind date in Sept 1987), Travis was 6'2" and weighed 190 pounds. He had just graduated high school, and was quite well known in the county because of wrestling and football. Active, healthy and might I add . . pretty good looking! But in wrestling, the weight fluctuates so much due to the fact that it determines the class you are in. Looking back, I wonder if that made it hard for Travis to lose weight later in life. To lose weight in wrestling, he'd just not eat. Or he'd eat carrot sticks and dry tuna fish or dry oatmeal. Ew. Who could live their life eating like that? No one. So when he got older and wanted to lose weight, it became a diet instead of learning how to eat right. It doesn't help that his family history had already helped with this! Through our 21 years of marriage, (November 19, 2009 will be our 21 year anniversary, and I shall still celebrate it. What is one month with 20 years and 11 months behind your belt?) Travis' weight fluctuated a lot. He'd eat healthy (sometimes instead go back to the wrestling days of losing weight) and drink lots of water and lose about 50 or so pounds. Then he'd slowly gain it back.

In 1998, we owned a small house in Lynden, Washington. $70,000.00 mortgage. I paid an extra $19 a month for a life insurance plan in case anything were to happen to Travis. This way my house would at least be paid for. One day, we decided it would be smart to get an actual life insurance policy on Travis since he was the bread winner of the family. So . . . the insurance guy came, tested Travis and we ended up getting an insurance plan enough to pay off our house and then some. They did say Travis was on the higher risk level due to his weight and slightly high blood pressure, so we had to pay a bit extra cause of that.

At one time (I can't remember when, but it was before Abigail, so . . at least ten years ago) Travis was playing Semi-professional football with the Bellingham Eagles! It was pretty exciting and fun to watch! (Especially fun to see him in that football uniform! :) Anyways, eventually, Travis got injured when his knee got knocked out from under him. Obviously, he didn't want to go to the doctor for it until it had been seriously hurting him for about 3 weeks. Cole went with him to the doctor. When the nurse came in to take Travis' blood pressure, she did it three times. Next, she called the doctor in and he took Travis' blood pressure a couple of times also. The doctors words were, "Travis, I know you came in to me because of a sore knee, but this appointment has just officially been changed from concern about your knee to concern about your heart. You are a walking time bomb!" And so he came home with blood pressure pills. He took them til they were almost gone, and then refused to refill it; never took another one.

Years later, after we bought 20 acres and had refinanced it a couple times to a substantially bigger mortgage compared to our little house in Lynden, we decided to try and change our term life insurance to a whole life insurance policy. This way it gained interest and you could even take a loan out on it if you needed. Unfortunately, Travis was tested and they told him his cholesterol was 375. Now I don't know much about all the medical numbers, I just know that they suposably worry about you at 200! Travis was not only high risk but we were denied coverage! So we stayed with the insurance plan that we had from before even though we knew it wouldn't be enough to pay off our house if Travis were to pass. In fact, after ten years, that original plan tripled our monthly premium from $58 a month to $166!! But I knew it was something we needed to have for any sort of security.
Of course, as soon as Travis heard about his cholesterol level, we got books and learned all about HDL or good cholesterol, and LDL which is bad cholesterol. We learned about the numbers and how to eat healthy to get them where they should be. Travis lost weight, but wasn't quite where he wanted to be to call and re-try the insurance again. Eventually he would gain a lot of the weight back.
Times when Travis was heavier, I'd notice him carrying a water bottle around more. Even so much as to have it next to him by our bed at night. I remember saying to him one day, "You know, Honey, I hear that a sure sign of a horse being biabetic is when they are often at the watering troff." Then when he'd lose weight, the water bottle wouldn't be by our bed anymore. Did the diabetes go away? I would assume it came and went with his weight.

November 2008, our family decided to go visit my parents in Idaho for Thanksgiving. Of the 7 hour drive, the last 13 miles is weaving out in the country. I remember that last 13 miles. Travis and Cole literally drove most of it with their heads out the windows admiring the hunting possibilities! Beautiful country!

Thanksgiving day, Travis spent most of the time downstairs on the couch, watching football with dad and the boys. Usually Travis gets up and moves around, but that day, he literally was on the couch all day. It may have had something to do with him not having any phone service way out in Saint Mary's, Idaho! He was a bit worried, because his farmers couldn't get a hold of him, and Curt (our business partner) couldn't reach him . . . I told him, "Don't worry about it. You need the break, and Curt can call on MY cell if anybody needs something." So football it was . . . all day.
That evening, at one point, while we were all watching a movie (don't ask me what movie it was) Travis trekked upstairs. A few minutes later, Kyleigh went up for a drink or something or other. She came down and said to me, "Mom, Dad wants you upstairs. He doesn't feel good." I went upstairs to find Travis lying on our bed with a pillow held to his chest the way that he always sleeps. I sat by him and touched his face. It wasn't warm and clammy the way I'd think it would normally be if he wasn't feeling well. "I don't feel right. It's hard to describe," he says. I opened the bedroom window so he could get some fresh air. He was saying it was sort of hard to breathe. I tried to give him ideas as to how he felt. "Is it heartburn?" He said no. Not really."
Next I asked, "How about short of breath?" He said, "Yah. Sort of like that." I said, "Is this feeling something maybe you should see a doctor for?" His response surprised me, "Is there one near by?" If Travis is going to say anything besides "No" in response to that question, it means something must be wrong. I said, "Let me go ask Mom." So I went down stairs and told Mom what was going on. She pointed out that the hospital was just across the bridge from their house. I went back upstairs to Travis and told him. Of course, his response was, "I don't want to go to any hospital. I'm fine. I think I just needed the fresh air. Maybe a walk outside." So Travis went out the back door while I ran downstairs to get a jacket. We met outside in the back of the house and started walking around to the front. Once we got onto the front road, he said with his hand on his chest and walking in a small circle in the road, "There it is again. See it just doesn't feel right." The first thing that went through my head was, "You are a 300 pound man. If you pass out, how am I going to catch you?!" I said to him, "Travis, you and I both know what is going on here. You are in denial. I think I should take you in to the hospital." Of course, his quick response was, "No. I ain't going into no hospital this far from home. I'm fine now. I'm ready to go back in." So we went back into the house and Travis found . . . . of course . . . the rocking chair. Sat there and rocked a minute. "See? I'm fine now. I just needed the fresh air was all. Them doughnuts your mom made for breakfast this morning weren't done enough. I think it made me sick." Well sure the sticky buns Mom made for breakfast were kinda on the gooey side. That's the best part of 'em! But this was no stomach ache! It was in his chest!
Travis sat in the rocking chair while I still tried to tell him he should see a doctor. I told him that as soon as we got home, I was setting up an appointment for him! Soon, he went to bed. My mother and I got on the computer. I typed in "Signs of a heart attack" and as we read through, it was sure to me that is what he had been experiencing. It made me mad he wouldn't let me call an ambulance or take him in. Looking back, I should have just DONE IT! But my goal was to make sure he at least got seen when we got home.
That night was a long one; I didn't sleep much at all. When Travis' breathing was so quiet I could barely hear, I'd lay my hand on him to feel him breathing. I worried like that all night. Was this what I had been warning myself and my children about most of their lives?

When we got home, I sat with a doctor friend that I knew from church and explained to him our situation. He agreed that Travis should definitely be seen as soon as possible. That it was obvious there was a heart problem going on. Every time I tried convincing Travis to let me call and make him an appointment, he'd say " No. I'll just lose some weight and work on it. At least wait til the new year." After talking to my doctor friend, I called our family doctor and made an appointment. I explained what my worries were so they would be sure to check him thoroughly. Since he begged me to wait til the new year, I set the appointment for January 3rd! I told Curt and Suzanne about it and begged them to help me convince Travis to go in! I know that they tried. In fact, just a couple years previous, Suzanne had all but dragged Curt into the doctor for a check up and they found prostate cancer! I wanted to do everything I could to convince Travis to go in!
Of course, January 3rd came and went without Travis going in to the doctor. How do you force a 300 pound man to go to the hospital??!